So lately I've been doing a lot of crying. A lot of heart break, tears, sadness, emotion, crap like that. It sucks. Anyways, I finally let it out and explained to not only the people I was venting to, but myself. It helped a lot actually. Yeah, I know. My blog "Breaking Down and Breaking Through", it speaks mainly about what I'm talking about right now but now is the time to really embrace this to just let it all out. So here goes nothing.
First of all I want to say that a lot has been on my mind. School, dance, speech, guys, parents, family, friends, graduation, and college. Technically I'm not allowed to say that word (college) or else I will make one of my good friends K.Haasz cry, along with myself. So sorry I have already broken that rule so far. Anyways, I'm just not the person to actually talk about my feelings and tell everyone how I feel and express to the world that I'm not in a good mood, I've got a lot on my mind, I'm an emotion wreck, or even I'm just on my period. Yeah sorry, not that type of person. I keep to myself for the most part. I steer away from drama and stick to my so called friends, speechies, dancers, and classmates. Well that all changed tonight.
I have this friend, and she's amazing. She isn't afraid to express her feelings, tell someone off, punch someone in the baby maker, give you a life lesson, tell you what's going on, admit she was wrong, give out advice, and tells you how it really is. She's probably one of the bestest friends I have ever had, but I don't think she knows that. She likes to make fun of me, tell me how much she hates it when I'm grumpy, and always threatens to punch me in places I really don't wanna be punched. But I love her none the less. She is totally someone I look up to and someone I cherish so very dearly in my life. And this person is, Sarah Leighton.
Today was literally a break through for both me and our so called "friendship". It all started out as a simple statement, "I hope you have a nice night tonight" and all I said to that was "Oh, I'll try" and she asks "Well, why's that?" and that's when it all started.
I explained to her almost everything I thought was going wrong in my life, like school, guys, family, parents. Everything was alright until I got to the last part, parents. You see my mom and I haven't had the best mother-daughter relationship over the years, but it's slowly resolving. Now my father on the other hand, well that's where it gets a bit messy. I have always been like best friends from my dad, until I "became a teenager" and that's when it, like almost every other teenage girl in the world, went downhill from there. But it's not just the fact that I was maturing, thinking I was always right, claiming he was idiotic and stupid for saying absurd things I found annoying, or anything of the sort. I started to realize his past life. I started to realize that he's not the kind person I never thought he seemed to be. For years I never seen it but I finally had. It wasn't until late last year I really started noticing a difference. He became a little crazy, and at first I thought "mid life crisis", but that wasn't it. He started volatile and just going back to things I never even believed were to be true until I witnessed it myself. This year came by and I thought "Maybe it will be like a fresh start" ... Boy was I wrong.
Anyways, back to my friend, I told her that things at home just weren't the greatest and I just couldn't take it anymore. She kept asking why, what's wrong, why, what's wrong, why... over and over again until I finally stopped mumbling and started answering without being vague. That's when I let go, I told her everything. I told her how much I really couldn't stand him. I said "Sarah! I hate him I can't take him anymore! I want him out of my house, out of my life; he just needs to get out! I hate him! He can go die in a hole, I don't care." She looked at me with the widest eyes I have ever seen and she started tearing up. I knew what I said probably wasn't the best choice of words. You see, her father is not alive. And saying something like you wanting your own father to go die is not something she wanted to hear and something she knew I didn't mean. Honestly, I don't mean that I want my father to die, and I don't necessarily hate him, but I was speaking of anger and not thinking of being politically correct. I didn't know what to do, I just stood there like an idiot and tried not to look more ridiculous than I already she looked at me and said, "You do not mean that, you never say you want your dad to go die in a hole. One day you're going to wake up and he's going to be gone. And you don't say you hate him, because you don't. Hate is a strong word, a very strong word. Don't you ever say that again. You need to pray for him, pray he gets better, and pray he gets help." I told her I understood, I would take everything to heart, and I really did. Tonight was literally a signature "breaking down and breaking through" moment. And life still kind of sucks, but talking to her made me feel a whole hell of a lot better. So Sarah, thank you. From the bottom of my heart I mean this, and I know that I text you and annoy the shit out of you sometimes and you just "wanna punch me in the face" sometimes, but I love you so much as a friend and without you I wouldn't be anywhere near to where I am today with all of my random fifty-million-page texts. So regardless of anything I have said before this day; thank you so, so much.
No comments:
Post a Comment