How To Live

A wise woman once sang, "dont lose it all in the blur of the stars. seeing is deceiving. dreaming is believing. its okay not to be okay. sometimes its hard to follow your heart. tears dont mean your losing. everyobodys bruising. just be true to who you are." That woman is Jessie J. Over the years she's taught me a lot about not only myself but about life. The more you believe in yourself and the more you try following your heart the more likely you are to acheive. Life isnt always about winning and losing, its about overcoming obstacles, making friends and even enemies, enjoying the little things, and living your own life. Learning your paths along the way while taking the chance of getting lost.

Time For Your Help

SO this year is my last year of high school, yes senior. And let's face it, college is freaking expensive. As a result I obviously apply for all these random scholarships in hopes of getting just the least bit of money for my college education. Even the littlest bit helps and here's where you can help as well. It's very simple. All you have to do is click on this link and register. For each person that registers under this link, I get a chance to win. So the more people, the more chances. Share this with your friends, co-workers, family, and peers. Please and thanks! With love -Brittni

http://www.fastweb.com/referral/brittniichol

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I Wish You Were Here.

I came across this video today. And within an instant,  I fell in love.

Just as I do with every other song I come in contact with, I found some kind of relation to the lyrics. This time in more way than one.

     First thing that popped into my head when the song rang through my ears was what the obvious message of the song was. Obviously any girl who listens to this song is going to relate this to some guy she likes, loves, or maybe even now hates. And yes of course that was my first reaction as well. Right now confusion doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling at that subject for the moment. It's not only that, but everything in my life altogether. Everything happens so fast, life is short, and you never know what's going to come next..

That brings me to what I then related this ever so special song to.

     A few weeks ago, my closest cousin, Victoria Wells, was killed in a car accident. I haven't really been able to talk about it, until now. She was with a friend of hers, neither of them were wearing seat belts, the car was said to be speeding, and had crashed off the road into a guardrail and ditch. The driver had survived but was severely injured; Torrie, died that night at the scene. Every day I go by thinking about how much I would love to just see her one last time, or hear her voice, or even simply say goodbye. But I know that that obviously cannot happen. Hearing this song made me really think about everything Torrie and I had been through over the past eighteen years. She was only a few months older than me, we spent our entire lives together. We grew up with each other, we were practically sisters--always fighting, arguing, laughing, playing, talking, crying, venting, and just being with one another. This song right here explains my exact thoughts about knowing that she's not here. Torrie loved music, as do I. We would always go to each others houses trading songs and artists for each others iPods. I feel as though this song would be at the top of her playlist right about now as it is mine. ♥

being confuzzled - part two.

So, maybe i was just wrong. i mean i blamed you for confusing me, and for throwing me so many signals, and everything when really you were sending me the same exact one that i have been longing to see all along. it was my fault, i didnt really look that far into it i just believed what other people had told me. instead of asking you like i should have i took it from someone else, and i couldnt have done something more stupid. for it wasnt really what was going on, it was just something that had come up. something that could have easily been explained, if i had given the chance for you to. i cant even begin to tell you how sorry i am, and i cant even attempt to imagine what life would have been like if i had known all along, but i am sorry and i wish i had known before, i wish i had asked you and not just listened. my confusion has finally been settled, thank the lord, and my emotions have become more stable, for once, and i couldnt be happier at this point in time. i just wanted to let you know, you know who you are, that i truly care, and that i am an idiot.

being confuzzled.

quit throwing me fifty thousand different signals, and ill know what to do.
acting like everythings okay when its really not, and ill pretend to be okay too.
keep mixing my emotions, and we will get no where.
pretend to be something youre not, and i really wont care.
trying to act like everythings okay, and eventually it really wont.
finding out the feelings just disappeared, and ill tell you how mine dont.
say things you mean, and ill finally tell you how i feel.
whisper words to me that show me you care, and soon my pain will be sure to heal.
lie to me about this feeling, and youre just gonna end up breaking my heart. 
so quit playing these games and dont confuse me from the start.

Happy Medium

When you care for someone, you want them to always be happy no matter the circumstances. I have always been living my life by this rule, for it's what I truly believe in. It just hasn't hit me that sometimes the person you care for the most is happy and you're sincerely happy for them but at the same time you're not. It's confusing I know. I'm just caught between a boundary where I can't seem to find that happy medium anymore. Every way I turn, I end up going in circles. I find myself pacing back and fourth between being happy and making others happy, and I usually always go for making everyone happy except myself. Getting hurt is one of my biggest fears and trying to please everyone else is a way I can control that I won't hurt myself; I couldn't have been more wrong. By not putting myself in front of everyone else every once in a while, I only don't seem selfish or self centered but I'm also not entirely happy. So I have to question if you're not sincerely happy yourself, does that consider yourself to be hurt or just unhappy? The way I look at it, if you're unhappy you're going to be hurting. So all in all I end up hurting myself by not being happy. Either way I find myself in trouble with the feeling of happiness. I guess I just should probably grow some, and deal with it, but for me that would me too easy, too simple. And I always take the most complicated way, never easy.

Erasing the Memories

If you keep up with my blog at all you will definitely notice some changes because I have probably deleted over half of my posts. Why you might ask? Well because I feel as though I need closure in my life and I need to get the hell out of this miserable funk I am in when I think about my past. So any post that's gone probably has a lot to deal with the fact that I don't wanna talk, think, remember, or marvel about it anymore.
I just thought that for those of you who read this and genuinely care about me, first of all thank you and second of all I'm okay. It is all a part of forgetting and moving forward. I don't want to have to keep scrolling through my blog and thinking back to those oh so terrible times. SO why not just erase them from here seeing as I can't necessarily erase the memories.