Trying to Get Past Valentine's Day

Do you remember when you would pass out valentine's to all your classmates boxes in elementary school? And the worst thing we had to worry about was what flavor candy was attached to the card? Or who was going to get the most..even though we would end up having the same amount? Did you ever give yourself a valentine just for fun, "To: Brittni, From: Brittni". I did, every time. It was cute, it was fun, and it was entirely worth it.

Now why in the hell would I bring back something from my childhood, that probably has no revelation to what I'm about to write about? Probably because writing nonsense is what I do best, and it's Valentine's Day. 

I used to love this holiday. What wasn't to love? Candy, parties, cards, notes, friends, parents, teachers, and fun. No homework, no worries, no emotional attachment to the boy who you wished would give you a special valentine for you, and you only, saying "Will you be my valentine?" and automatically saying yes. Yeah, there used to be none of that, only happy times. Well, I've seemed to really dislike this holiday. You can probably tell why.

I just don't understand how things work anymore. Love is a huge mystery to me. Friends are entirely vague and obsolete right now. Family is something I seem to veer away from at the moment, more like for the rest of my life until I am independently living on my own and only see them for holidays. Life is a journey which I experience each and every day, one that is what seems to be never ending. And anything else in between is just an addition to the mix. One minute you are singing in the shower, expressing how happy you are with everything in your life. The next minute you are torn to pieces because your parents decide to tell you that you're not good enough. Some minute later you are crying to your best friend about your life. Next minute you're dancing to a song that kills you every single time you hear it, and you just try to make it through the day. Another minute you are behind your best friends back making out with her ex. Next minute you don't know where you are in life and just wanna break down, and you do, multiple times. Then another minute goes by and your back to singing in the shower and the cycle repeats with it's various reasons as to why you are doing what you are doing. Why the hell do we do this to ourselves? Well I think the question should be why do I do this to myself? I dawn upon everything I've done wrong, everything that's happened, everything that goes on in my life and take it all in at once. Which kills me, every time.

I think what needs to happen is I really need to grasp this whole concept of letting things go, letting things fall together, and letting things fall apart. Otherwise, I will just find myself sitting here, wrapped in a blanket, alone, and trying to get past Valentine's Day.

Collecting Fallen Tear Drops

"Daughter to father, daughter to father

I am broken but I am hoping.

Daughter to father, daughter to father

I am crying, a part of me's dying.

And these are the confessions

of a broken heart."

Laying on my bed, reminiscing about the times where being hopeful was actually possible, I came across this song. "Confessions of a Broken Heart by Lindsay Lohan". I had first discovered it when I was a mere thirteen year old girl. Sitting on the computer glances through yahoo music videos and just happening to come across this one. It spoke so clear to me, for it was my life story. Now, I am definitely not an aspiring actress, singer, or felon as the singer may appear to be today, but I can relate to what it is she's saying in this video, song, and lyrics.

Today wasn't the best of days. I had cried for an hour before I had even begun to get myself ready for school in the morning, I ended up looking like crap by the way. After leaving the school, not even off of the school's street my friend E.Davis and I were almost side swept by a couple of sophomores who proceeded to laugh at the fact that they had, one, scared the shit out of the both of us, and two, almost hit the car. After dealing with the situation by flipping the two douche bags off in front of the police station and driving off, we stopped for ice cream. Yes, I know, ice cream in the middle of winter? Ice cream is the "ish" (B.Norris)  thank you, so I'm pretty sure we were deserving of some. While ordering the man wanted to question me in my choice of an extra thick cake batter monster shake. I'm quite surprised I did not bust through that little glass window and ring his neck right then and there. Anyways, I finally got home. Upon coming home the usual fight with my younger sister came about which is always a pleasure of mine of course, well that's what she claims to be my problem. So I decided it was just best if I were to stay in my room for a while. I got some stuff accomplished, downloaded some music, folded some laundry, and (you guessed it) cried for another two hours. I do not know what is wrong with me, it's like I just found a new hobby -- crying. Well trust me, for those of you who have not cried every day at least once a day for three weeks straight, it is not fun. After having a lovely break down in the midst of the day my favorite person decided to walk into my life at the moment. My father. He somehow got the impression that I had asked him for a book bag, for my laptop. I kept telling him, "No, I never said that but thanks anyways. I guess I can use it for something." Apparently that wasn't the answer he was looking for. Now, I don't know about you but I don't think there was really any problem with what I had said. I was polite, I told him I appreciated it, I told him that I never asked for it, and with the day I had going for me I didn't hit him so that was a relief for him. Whatever, I got yelled at and stuff for not advising him to not buy a book bag I never wanted. I decided to just call it quits with everything and go to bed, yeah it was only six o'clock. I woke up at nine, and just died inside. I was a wreck, I was having dreams of happier days and then having dreams of the extremes of today. It was horrible and it was reality. I couldn't take it. I started listening to music and texting anyone I could. So S.Leighton, J.Gabler, M.Hudak, K.Haasz, P.Prosser, and E.Davis thanks for all being in my contact list, thanks for responding to my texts, and thanks for the chat. Waking up at nine and having a total meltdown in your bed isn't complete without listening to music and writing a blog of course. So here's where everything all comes together.

Listening to music, I came across that song, "Confessions of a Broken Heart" and it speaks my life story right there. Everything about it, all aspects of the video were completely and totally significant. So while attempting to cry myself to sleep with this song, I figured I might as well share it with you as well.

One Day You'll Wake Up and He's Gone

So lately I've been doing a lot of crying. A lot of heart break, tears, sadness, emotion, crap like that. It sucks. Anyways, I finally let it out and explained to not only the people I was venting to, but myself. It helped a lot actually. Yeah, I know. My blog "Breaking Down and Breaking Through", it speaks mainly about what I'm talking about right now but now is the time to really embrace this to just let it all out. So here goes nothing.

First of all I want to say that a lot has been on my mind. School, dance, speech, guys, parents, family, friends, graduation, and college. Technically I'm not allowed to say that word (college) or else I will make one of my good friends K.Haasz cry, along with myself. So sorry I have already broken that rule so far. Anyways, I'm just not the person to actually talk about my feelings and tell everyone how I feel and express to the world that I'm not in a good mood, I've got a lot on my mind, I'm an emotion wreck, or even I'm just on my period. Yeah sorry, not that type of person. I keep to myself for the most part. I steer away from drama and stick to my so called friends, speechies, dancers, and classmates. Well that all changed tonight.

I have this friend, and she's amazing. She isn't afraid to express her feelings, tell someone off, punch someone in the baby maker, give you a life lesson, tell you what's going on, admit she was wrong, give out advice, and tells you how it really is. She's probably one of the bestest friends I have ever had, but I don't think she knows that. She likes to make fun of me, tell me how much she hates it when I'm grumpy, and always threatens to punch me in places I really don't wanna be punched. But I love her none the less. She is totally someone I look up to and someone I cherish so very dearly in my life. And this person is, Sarah Leighton.

Today was literally a break through for both me and our so called "friendship". It all started out as a simple statement, "I hope you have a nice night tonight" and all I said to that was "Oh, I'll try" and she asks "Well, why's that?" and that's when it all started.

I explained to her almost everything I thought was going wrong in my life, like school, guys, family, parents. Everything was alright until I got to the last part, parents. You see my mom and I haven't had the best mother-daughter relationship over the years, but it's slowly resolving. Now my father on the other hand, well that's where it gets a bit messy. I have always been like best friends from my dad, until I "became a teenager" and that's when it, like almost every other teenage girl in the world, went downhill from there. But it's not just the fact that I was maturing, thinking I was always right, claiming he was idiotic and stupid for saying absurd things I found annoying, or anything of the sort. I started to realize his past life. I started to realize that he's not the kind person I never thought he seemed to be. For years I never seen it but I finally had. It wasn't until late last year I really started noticing a difference. He became a little crazy, and at first I thought "mid life crisis", but that wasn't it. He started volatile and just going back to things I never even believed were to be true until I witnessed it myself. This year came by and I thought "Maybe it will be like a fresh start" ... Boy was I wrong.

Anyways, back to my friend, I told her that things at home just weren't the greatest and I just couldn't take it anymore. She kept asking why, what's wrong, why, what's wrong, why... over and over again until I finally stopped mumbling and started answering without being vague. That's when I let go, I told her everything. I told her how much I really couldn't stand him. I said "Sarah! I hate him I can't take him anymore! I want him out of my house, out of my life; he just needs to get out! I hate him! He can go die in a hole, I don't care." She looked at me with the widest eyes I have ever seen and she started tearing up. I knew what I said probably wasn't the best choice of words. You see, her father is not alive. And saying something like you wanting your own father to go die is not something she wanted to hear and something she knew I didn't mean. Honestly, I don't mean that I want my father to die, and I don't necessarily hate him, but I was speaking of anger and not thinking of being politically correct. I didn't know what to do, I just stood there like an idiot and tried not to look more ridiculous than I already she looked at me and said, "You do not mean that, you never say you want your dad to go die in a hole. One day you're going to wake up and he's going to be gone. And you don't say you hate him, because you don't. Hate is a strong word, a very strong word. Don't you ever say that again. You need to pray for him, pray he gets better, and pray he gets help." I told her I understood, I would take everything to heart, and I really did. Tonight was literally a signature "breaking down and breaking through" moment. And life still kind of sucks, but talking to her made me feel a whole hell of a lot better. So Sarah, thank you. From the bottom of my heart I mean this, and I know that I text you and annoy the shit out of you sometimes and you just "wanna punch me in the face" sometimes, but I love you so much as a friend and without you I wouldn't be anywhere near to where I am today with all of my random fifty-million-page texts. So regardless of anything I have said before this day; thank you so, so much.

Guys, And The Few That Don't Suck

So we all have those friends, you know the guy friends, that aren't gay, that are literally are our best friends in the entire world. There's nothing awkward about them, you can tell them anything, no strings attached, and everything between the two of you is just perfect. The relationship couldn't be better. Until you start to like one of them. Then it starts to get weird. You tell yourself no, no, no. He's my best friend, nothing else, stop liking him you idiot! You finally get over it. Thank God. Then someone else enters.

You and this other guy start to get to talking, and you really hit it off. You think to yourself, "Wow this guy's amazing, how could this get any better?" You look forward to receiving his texts every time you look at your phone and you start to talk at school more and more often, flirting one hundred percent of the way. Once everything starts to get used to routine though, something happens. It stops. That's right, nothing more. No more texts, no more flirting, no more talking, no more goodnights, no more waving to each other in the hallway, no more anything. It's like almost as if nothing had even happened between the two of you. So after a day of this, you text him "heyy" and he texts back, everything seems to be normal. Then the next day, you end up having to do the texting...again. What is it with guys and sticking to routine? Honestly, you can't rely on them for anything. Especially not when you are trying to start up some form of further relationship with them, seriously. So after a while you feel like you are annoying the crap out of him and eventually stop texting thinking, "he'll text me first sooner or later" Well, that doesn't happen. You start to get worried, but you don't show him that, definitely not. Never show them your weakness...until you are going out. But what the hell are you supposed to do?

This is for the guys, but not just any guys. The ones who care but don't care too much. The ones that make sure everything is okay and know when something's wrong. The ones that don't care if you get a bad haircut, you still look cute to them. The ones that will sit on the phone with you while you pour your heart out to them about what just happened at home. The ones that learn who you truly are before they even think of judging you. The ones who listen, who hear, who talk, and who love you for you. You know, the ones that don't suck.

Music and the Reasons I Love It

I find it absolutely remarkable that music itself is completely controversial. Anyone can write a song, someone can perform it, and another can cover it. These are truly the reasons I love music and all of its components that come with it. Now I am a fan of all kinds of music, anything really. I can listen to any music genre and fall in love with it instantly. But it's not exactly the same for songs. Some songs I honestly cannot stand, either the bass is too much for me or the beats are just too techno but then another person can come along, cover the song and it sounds completely different and utterly amazing.

Take this for example...

I was just doing my usual boredom routine, searching youtube. And I start watching this commercial, the background music sounds familiar, but it's only piano. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks, Somebody To Love by Justin Bieber. First of all I like JB just as much as the next girl but this song in particular wasn't one of my absolute favorites. When I came upon this, however, I fell in love. The piano just lit up my heart and awoke my inner spirits. Okay, a bit of an exaggeration but you get the picture. So I type into the search bar, "somebody to love piano" and I click on the first decent link I can find. When I click on it, it seems to sound exactly what I was hoping to find. While listening this guy starts to get closer into the picture. I figure the camera just needs to change angles. No, he's about to sing. I honestly was not expecting anything great to be totally honest, just an amature trying to create a pop song into a nice ballad. Those can kill you if you don't perform them just right. He starts to sing. My jaw literally drops. It sounded absolutely amazing. It was so beautiful and lovely I had to tell someone about this. So I did what any teenager would do, post it on facebook. I made it my status, said how amazing it was, and listened on repeat. If you don't believe me, just listen for yourself. :)

Breaking Down and Breaking Through

I'm not one to cry a whole lot. I mean come on, first of all it isn't pretty, second of all it isn't fun, and third of all it's just not my thing. Yeah, I cry during movies, all the time, just not when I am actually on the verge of total sadness. But I've learned that it is totally okay to cry. Honestly, makes you feel a lot better then bottling everything up and waiting for the right person to set you off on a rampage of anger, guilt, denial, tears, and embarrassment. Crying kind of makes it all better, at least makes you feel better. Too bad I didn't really understand this whole concept until after I had my meltdown.

Sitting alone in my room, blasting music, and texting anyone I can think of but not receiving any texts back, isn't really the best way to finish off a wonderful day. Well, fighting with your mother, crying on the bus home, and releasing your feelings to your bus buddy isn't a great way to even get to this point. Because that is what happened. I just kept it all bottled up inside, my mother ruined my plans and screamed through the phone at me, and all tears fell lose from my eyes. Feelings I have kept boiling inside my mind were let loose and words I can't take back were spoken. When I got home finally, nothing had really gotten any better. Like I said before I was alone in my room, blasting music, and no one really wanted to talk to me. So I guess it took my entire emotional break down to help me break through my tragic moment.

I used to have a lot of really close friends and two prime best friends. Well, those close friends were lost due to high school; drama, lies, and boyfriends. The two best friends, K.Rose and P.Prosser, well Rose and I sort of just separated through our different groups of friends along with all the drama that came along with it. I said tons of things to her I regret and we found our way back to each other just this year, well our junior year of high school. Prosser on the other hand, we never really lost touch. The only fact of the matter was that she had moved hours away and we can't really literally "be there" for each other or see each other that often. But don't worry, I'm not a loner. I was once close friends with this girl, E.Davis, and this year was the start of our adventurous friendship, but back to the fact of the matter.

While in the midst of tears and breaking down, I had that break through moment. I had already informed Rose of my situation at that moment, telling her I was upset, fighting with my mom, not all emotionally or mentally there at the moment; she understood what was going on. Once I had cleared my eyes well enough to see the tiny letters of my keypad on my phone, I started to text her. I confessed to basically being a bitch to her over the years, to letting our friendship get to where it was, to admitting I missed how we used to be, how I value us as friends, and how I would absolutely love her forever if we could just start over. Without a doubt she felt the same way, and now we are on the way to recovering our friendship we once had. So this all made me realize that that moment came from the epitome of me breaking down, but I finally broke through.

All I have left to say is this:
-it's okay to cry
-breaking down leads to tremendous break throughs
-friends are fragile and limited, keep them close
-and always make sure to never, ever bottle that up...or you might just kill someone.

Learning to Learn

SO we all live life thinking that everything is supposed to come to us as simple and as easy as possible. Well, we are definitely wrong. When we are born, everything is simply handed to us when we would cry, wince, whine, moan, smile, laugh, poop, pee, giggle, move, wander, crawl, step, fall, touch, or even blink. Our parents go through all measures of hell to make us shut up and relax for a while just so they could live their lives easily without having to worry, but obviously it's the circle of life. Once we reach our toddler years things become more demanding for we have almost learned, or are still trying to learn, right from wrong, up from down, and yes from no. We reach the talking stages and demand that whatever came out of our mouth, came to us. Finally, we have been taught far enough by our parents they just end up "calling it quits" and ship us off to this place. This place is huge, creative, inspiring, and quite ridiculous. This place is, you guessed it, school.

At school, we are taught to learn to take everything from the teacher's mouth, hand gestures, work sheets, projects, activities, homework, and discipline; place it in our little brains and store it for memory. Obviously, who ever thought of this idea for learning was nuts. We can't possibly sit here and try to obtain all sorts of information by just listening and interacting with whatever it was the teachers wanted us to do. So we teach ourselves to adapt. We then go through school like we do life, wanting everything to come easily and to be as simple as possible. Going through school as if it were a breeze, elementary school is then done and over with and middle school comes along.

Middle school itself is just a place where the teachers of the gods thought would be a nice place to learn for those awkward stages of our lives. Basically, they didn't want to deal with us while we were going through any kind of hormonal differences, vocal changes, awkward relationships, or anything of the matter. Whoever created middle school, was probably the smartest person in the history of schooling. If we didn't have middle school, junior high would become the epitome of hell before actual high school. Middle school though we still have that whole learning process screwed up in our heads.

So then we enter junior high where things start to get interesting. We enter, still having this crazy mind set of how-to-learn-things, and they tell us to let go. They say, "Here at such and such junior high, we believe everyone has the opportunity to learn and to ensure that no student gets left behind. We here at such and such junior high think that the only way for you to learn is for you to experience what it is you will be experiencing in the near future of high school. It is here where you will become your own individual human being while being independent, inspirational, and motivated to learn. Whatever it is you believe you want to do, you can. And here at such and such junior high is where that will all begin." Yeah, we all know it's true. Some big shot principal thinks he's going to change our lives at this place we call school. This place is the most easiest, most care free, most indefinite place of learning there is. Here is where you could totally screw up and get a near slap on the wrist... Unless you decide to leave a fake bomb threat note in the middle of the main lobby, then we all get to walk down to that wonderful middle school and have the police take care of the rest. Anyways, here is where it all begins. We do start to let go, we don't really realize it but our learning process becomes our own. Everything we were taught before, basically molds into this new structure of our lives. And for those of us who didn't seem to let go, well those are the ones who end up working at McDonald's, becoming our employees, and living off of the government just to try to make their lives seem great. Some of us say, "Junior high was a waste of my time." Well guess what honey, if it wasn't for junior high I'm sure you wouldn't be who you are today. Entering high school we see things differently, thanks to junior high.

High school, yeah it sucks. There you are told to do anything asked of you and it has to be close to perfection. It is then high school where you learn how life really is. You learn that whatever it is you do, is broadcasted to nearly everyone. You learn that almost anything that is said is ninety-nine percent of the time a lie. And you learn who your true friends are at the end of your senior year, when they are standing next to you. After this, life goes on, no matter how hard we try to learn or how hard we try to succeed there is always one thing in front of us. Ourselves.